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In my family, we have a sign tradition. My father started it. For every special occasion – the holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, or even to welcome a family member returning home from a trip or coming for a visit – my Dad makes a sign on a sheet of white paper. He has a real artistic talent and takes a lot of pride in his signs. He creates fancy letters, expresses the appropriate sentiment in a few well-chosen words, and adds elaborate detailing. In my folk's old house, from the time I was little, "the sign" always went up on the wall, over the kitchen table. Now that my parents have moved into a smaller house, the sign goes up on the refrigerator. It wouldn't be a special occasion without one of my Dad's signs. And we've saved all the signs he's made over the years. I have signs from my childhood birthdays, congratulatory signs from high school achievements, signs welcoming me home for visits when I went away to university. Our sign tradition is something special that makes our family, well, our family. It's a little something that seems to stay the same in my life. I can count on it.
Traditions and rituals help keep us grounded. They give us a sense of connection and stability in an ever-changing world. Grandfather Larry Faas, 65, of Tempe, AZ shared a special holiday tradition in their family. When he was a boy growing up in rural Iowa in the 1940's, farmers hung sleigh bells on their horses during the wintertime. His Uncle Truman Faas gave him an heirloom string of brass, acorn-shaped bells on a leather strap. The bells jingled as horses pulled the children on a sleigh ride, or pulled a bobsled full of hay for the cattle. In 1967, Larry and his wife moved to Tempe, Arizona. The sleigh bells came with them to the desert. Every Christmas Eve he brought out the bells and told his three children the bells' history. After the children were tucked into bed, he would sneak outside, shake the sleigh bells under their windows, and then dart away. He did the same thing in some of his neighbors' front yards, causing excitement there too! Now, his grandchildren are old enough to keep the tradition going – and are looking forward to someday inheriting the bells. This little tradition is part of what makes his family what it is.
Connecting Through Traditions and Rituals
There's a strong connection between family traditions and rituals and the ability of a family to survive and thrive in today's world.
The family has changed dramatically over the last century. Family members are spread across the country. Young and old have their own separate, hectic schedules. Family time becomes a casualty to tired parents, children's sports practices or lessons, and the lure of television. We're also caught between a pop culture ideal of individual happiness and fulfillment, and the dream of love and connection sold in commercials. We still love each other and we have no less desire for meaning and connection. But we drift apart and feel empty.
We don't know how to deal with the changed family. We generate the highest expectations of family life of any generation in human history, but provide the least guidance and support for making it happen. There are few rules. And so we struggle along, each trying to figure it out in a way that will make sense for ourselves and our circumstances. Building a family, just like building a home, a career, or world peace, needs a plan and conscious, continuous effort. It also requires a foundation on which to build and maintain real relationships, even when they get messy and difficult.
One way to establish that foundation, to find order amid the chaos, is through tradition and ritual. This doesn't mean "going back to the good old days" (there really weren't any), but it does mean connecting to each other and our communities in a habitual pattern that we can count on and that slows us down every once in a while. Traditions and rituals are a powerful way to balance the whirlwind of our lives. We are creatures of habit. And when we ingrain a family tradition, it becomes a habit that anchors us. Traditions and rituals can pull us back to what's important – a story at bedtime, a weekend meal, a holiday gathering. Our best memories – and sometimes our worst – tend to be tied to family traditions and rituals. It's not only how we communicate in a family, but how we enact our connections that matters. Research is slowly beginning to uncover tradition and ritual as a very important factor in strong, close families.
Strong, close families have developed ways to balance the pull outward with a pull inward. They have a cycle of disconnection and connection. When they start to get too disconnected, they have automatic ways they can reconnect, which is, over the long run, what makes them strong and close. When they're in a disconnected moment, they use ritual to help them reconnect. Rituals are a natural way of recovering from daily emotional upheavals. Reconnecting rituals can be as simple as a mother and baby cuddling in a familiar chair after an outburst of tears has subsided, a hug after a long day at work and school, or shaking hands to seal a deal agreed upon after negotiating how many books you'll read a child before bed.
Family traditions and rituals serve to create and maintain family ties. Through ritual, family members are nourished with the significance of their connection to each other and anchored to withstand the whirl of the world. The only thing more powerful than being stuck in a rut is being "stuck" in a ritual. You can use that fact to your advantage.
Traditions and rituals can be a positive way to cope with change. They give us some comfort that some things can stay the same. They also slow things down a bit and, because they are familiar, give us a chance to pause and reflect.
The definitions of ritual and tradition overlap. Different people define them differently in different contexts. For my purposes here, I'm going to use them somewhat interchangeably, although I do want to make a distinction between the two.
Tradition is the handing down of information, beliefs, and behaviors by word-of-mouth or by example, from one generation to another. A tradition is something you do again and again, something that adults teach their children, who then grow up and teach it to their children. Traditions, unlike their cousin customs (which tend to be broad-based across, for example, a particular culture), are very much personal and peculiar (like my family sign tradition). Traditions are special to those who participate in them. They also allow room for adaptation and experimentation.
Rituals can be a part of traditions. Rituals are a prescribed order of behavior, a repeated pattern of meaningful acts. The key is in the meaning. Rituals are generally laden with meaning – there is a prescribed way to do things and they mean something. Rituals may be public, private, or secret. A tradition may have an associated ritual, but traditions can be repetitive without being ritualistic. Rituals often have a more formal, spiritual or emotional dimension to them.
Popular author Robert Fulghum has written extensively about rituals. He describes them this way:
Rituals are timed by beats of the heart, not ticks of the clock. Most of our major holidays are connected to seasons. They are flexible feast days adapted to human needs. Heart time is not clock time – rituals should never be rushed. Rituals are frames around the mirrors of the moment. Rituals are the coin by which attention is paid to the moment. Nobody lives without rituals. Rituals do not live without somebody. The function of ritual is paradoxical: to both anchor us to high places on the steep slopes of this world on which we are always losing our footing and to free us from the despair of being stuck in the world's mud. Ritual behavior softens the phases of life when we are reminded how hard it is to be human. Ritual behavior enriches the phases of life when we are reminded how fine it is to be human.
The human longing for both ritual and tradition is deep. It is ageless and universal. Researchers feel that there may even be something in our basic genetic makeup, a need to perform actions in repetitive, ritualized ways. We seek out patterns of prescribed behavior as a guide. Rituals seem to stimulate both hemispheres of the brain simultaneously, briefly creating a state of mental intensity, focus, and clarity.
Unfortunately, in our culture, ritual and tradition are often frustrated. To downplay them though is to lose the way. When John F. Kennedy was shot on that Friday in Dallas in 1963, churches across the country were full on Sunday. In a similar way, churches were filled after 9/11. Researchers have found that the heart of this behavior is a search for connection. Particularly in times of crisis and human hardship, we need a sense of ritual to connect with each other, show our respect, and try to give some meaning to something that seems incomprehensible.
All over the world, people use rituals and traditions; and, from the archeological evidence, it looks as if they always have. Most people in our society are not educated to believe that the performance of rituals is as characteristic of being human as is using language and living in social groups. But this is what research seems to show. Human beings are made, not born. A baby has potential, but is not yet human. Humanity has to be learned in many ways. Much learning takes place as the baby imitates the behaviors of others. We enact, rehearse, work, play, and communicate our way into the human condition. We see repeated, meaningful behaviors – rituals – and we repeat them. We learn how to do it next time. Further, we not only learn the ritual, but we learn that others before us have done it. As participants in culture, we not only learn but also learn to teach, mostly by example. There is a great rhythm of learning and teaching. Collectively, the passing along of rituals and traditions provides the means for generations to take their place in the human continuum.
To make use of ritual and tradition is to make use of a pathway through what would otherwise be uncharted territory. Learning-by-doing is not left to pure invention and experimentation. What if no pathways for our behavior had been blazed before we got here? It would take a great deal of imagination and courage to blaze a new path each time for every act. As a particular act becomes more and more familiar, it comes to seem less like a pathway and more like a shelter. It's not so much that people have invented rituals, but they have invented us.
At the societal level, ritual and tradition prevent interaction from being unpredictable, chaotic, even frightening. Ritual organizes social interaction into predictable patterns, in the same way that daily habits organize personal behavior. Eating a meal with family members, reading bedtime stories to children, a good night kiss, a family reunion, exercising with a friend, carpooling to work, and even watching certain television shows together are some of the everyday rituals we follow. We tend to take them for granted, but without them our lives would collapse. They regulate the routines of life and give a meaningful rhythm to our life. They also create and clarify our identity. As we confront a multitude of choices, everyday rituals help to remind us of who we are and to whom we belong.
Ritual and tradition may be considered by some to be "old fashioned" and "out of step" with our high-tech times. But they are patterns which can be used at any time in history. The exact form they take may be "old fashioned," but that can be changed. Just as we need to eat but may change what we eat, we can change our rituals and traditions without denying our need for them.
We are desperate for more meaning in our lives, and tradition and ritual are a key to opening that door. They are what marks the flow from our days to our seasons to our lives. We never outgrow our need for them. They link the past and the present, old and new, beginning and ending, individual and group, earthly and spiritual. By linking us with dates and events, they help anchor us in time and connect us with family, community, and culture. Sometimes momentary efficiency is lost when we emphasize tradition and ritual, but the greater rewards are worth it. If you're conscious of your actions, you'll begin to see patterns. Patterns of repetition govern each day, week, year, and lifetime. If you see the patterns, try to understand them. If you can come to understand them, you can enrich them and they will enrich you. That's when you find meaning.
Ultimately, although it may seem that traditions and rituals are nostalgic acts of looking backward, they are actually an act of faith in the future. They remind us that life goes on.
Simple Things
Looking for areas where you might start family traditions and rituals? How about a hug? Make it a ritual to give a hug before everyone leaves for school and work, and before bed. Don't assume children know how much you love them. Tell them. And it's not true that all kids want their parents to stop hugging or kissing them when they become teenagers. Don't force it, but don't let a little embarrassed look stop you either.
A bedtime story ritual is a big one with me because reading is so important to children's development. It's also a key way to build a lasting intergenerational connection.
Try a calmness ritual at the time of the day when chaos starts to reign in most households – usually around dinnertime. Parents and children come together with the accumulated fatigue of the day and the spinning effects of their participation in the outside world. Energies are low and needs are high. To deal with "tired and hungry" at the end of the day, have a snack and just sit and talk for a while before you start thinking about dinner. Hint: To avoid conflict, set the expectation of the same snack every day – a cup of soup, some fruit, and maybe cookies every Wednesday.
Food has a major link to ritual. Eating is a social activity that itself is laden with rituals of sharing, manners, customs, and traditions. Food draws people together, provides a focus, engages the senses of smell, taste, and touch, and can be both consoling and celebratory. So eating meals together is important. We all have to eat. Take advantage of that time. Research has shown that healthy families value table time and conversation. These families are very protective of their mealtime. It's the one time each day that parents and children are assured of uninterrupted time with each other.
The Holiday Season in a
Historical and Cultural Context
Each year, the holiday season links us to our own past, past generations, and to our culture. Modern Christmas is a time not only for returning home, but for looking back. The ritualized nature of the day, with its emphasis on doing things just as they have "always" been done, gives it the unique feel of being time out of time – recoverable time or what social researchers call a "succession of eternities."
In general, holidays are an example of public rituals. They organize the collective behavior of millions of people and lead us through the weeks, months, and years. Holidays create solidarity. The same people get together again and again to engage in the same activity. Holidays affirm the values we hold dear. We remember our religious or ethnic beliefs. Holidays also regulate behavior. In these ways, public rituals infuse our lives with order and meaning. Holiday rituals connect us with each other and the larger community.
Historically, holiday community rituals, not family rituals, were the glue that held people together. Communities would gather for church services or harvests. Holidays were celebrated communally, not within individual families. But today, we place much more importance on holiday traditions and rituals within the family. Society is also set up to make the holidays a time when we get "permission" to focus on family.
Christmas is the most celebrated holiday in the world. People in virtually every country celebrate it, and more than one hundred countries officially recognize it in one way or another. Although there are other holidays at this time of year – Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Ramadan – Christmas overshadows them all. Christmas has established a successful precedent for the creation of a new kind of family time. Although Christmas has a Christian origin as the birth of Jesus, many of today's traditions are secular. You do not even have to be Christian to engage in Christmas festivities. In the 1950s, a sample of American Jews showed that 40% had Christmas trees. Today, families may bring together people from diverse backgrounds and many celebrate both Christmas and another holiday like Hanukkah.
Christmas has evolved over the years. Many of the traditions and rituals we hold dear are relatively recent additions (since the 1800s). Christmas traditions in the US and Canada are a combination of those from other countries. They include Santa Claus, Christmas trees, cards, presents, carols, feasting, and lights. Every country's Christmas celebrations vary according to that country's beliefs, folklore, climate, and traditions. Some common practices and symbols: nativity scenes, bells ringing, stars and candles, gift giving, ornaments and other decorations, and decorating with greenery (evergreen trees, holly, ivy, mistletoe). And there's a common spirit – joy, hope, peace, friends and family, sharing and giving.
Gift giving is a fairly universal part of Christmas, but it's done differently in each country. Most countries tell of a character who secretly delivers gifts to good children during the night. The gift giver who started this practice was a man named Nicholas. He lived in what's now Turkey around the year 300. When his wealthy parents died, he spent his life secretly doing good things for children and performing other good deeds. There are many stories telling of his aid to sailors, merchants, and children. After he died, Nicholas became the patron saint of many countries. Gift giving takes place on his feast day, December 6. Since December 6 is so close to Christmas, some countries have maintained the tradition but moved its date to December 25. In some countries, children receive gifts on both dates.
Today, Christmas is very much about children. Originally, in a secular context, it was actually about aging and death. Its major symbol was old Father Christmas, a figure bearing a close resemblance to grim Father Time. Children had their own saint, Nicholas, and their own day early in December. Christmas did not become a day special to children until Saint Nicholas underwent a fictional makeover in Clement Clarke Moore's The Night before Christmas (written in America in 1822) and was given his present costume and image as Santa Claus by American illustrator Thomas Nast during the 1860s. Once he became Santa Claus, Father Christmas lost his association with death and became the eternal grandfather figure, no longer so judgmental as the old Nicholas figure – who used to visit children with warnings as well as gifts – but now jolly and bountiful, a provider symbol.
Christmas has always been seen nostalgically, as "bigger and better" some time "before." Lamented Charles Dickens, "People will always tell you that Christmas is not to them what it used to be." Christmas exists very much in memory and anticipation. And Christmas is, of course, followed closely by New Year's – with our yearly resolutions. New Year's reflects one of our most primitive of hopes: that tomorrow will be better.
Holiday Highs and Lows
The last six weeks of the year can be a challenge. Everything seems supercharged. It's a season of high expectations, and even non-Christians are affected by the hugeness of Christmas.
December is a month when more opportunities exist for tradition and memories. The world of work slows, schools take time off, and everything in general seems to make a nod toward spending some time with family. The holidays are the one time of year when we are expected, in fact encouraged to connect. The holidays are a once-a-year call to family. This can put a lot of stress on people. Depression soars during the holiday season, as does exhaustion. It can be disappointing and frustrating as everything becomes one big "photo op" that never lives up to the commercials we see on TV.
The messages at this time of year are so seductive: warm family gatherings; well-behaved, well-groomed children; time and money for gifts and festivities; feeling loved and secure and happy. We stop, listen, and want to believe. It's easy to be persuaded by the commercials, with their fuzzy, warm, well-crafted images and soothing, buoyant music. But the reality is that we face the same problems at Christmas that we face year-round – a less than perfect family, budget constraints, and no soothing background music that follows us around from one hectic task to the next. The holidays can also be difficult because we feel pressure to be happy, we may be grieving a recent loss, or we may be filled with a void of meaning, which becomes even more pronounced.
It can be hard to see the holidays as opportunity rather than obligation and stressor. Yes, we are pulled together by often unrealistic expectations – but you have to start somewhere. We can celebrate new members of the family and remember old ones. We can take stock of where we are and where we're going. And although the holidays have in many ways become commercialized and trivialized by our culture, I think many people would feel poorer without them. We need some sort of community celebration that brings together the powerful elements of spirituality, family, community, beauty, peace, and hope. We need the sanctioned time off school and work. We need time to pursue the ideals, even if we cannot always reach them.
You have to make conscious choices during the holiday season about where you're going to put your time. This is particularly important for women, who often feel pressure to make the holidays "Christmas-card perfect." Traditions and rituals take time, especially women's time, adding to our sense of time famine. It helps if you truly believe that it's everyone's job to pitch in and help. It also helps to be creative and make celebrations work for you in your situation. Don't expect too much of yourself, and don't let your childhood memories overlook the fact that your parents were doing all the work. Now that it's up to you, it can't be quite the same.
Expectations are also important. When family gets together, expect that it won't be perfect. The holidays shine a bright light on family relationships – bringing out their strengths and their weaknesses. Few families ever measure up to the expectations set by commercials. There are imperfect people, complicated relationships, and unfortunate circumstances. Even in the most loving and supportive families, there is always an undercurrent of mixed emotions and perhaps tensions from holiday pressures, unfamiliar routines, and tiredness from parties and travel.
One approach you can take to prepare yourself ahead of time is to make a list of your family members, and what you don't like about them. Be clear in your expectations that these people will probably engage in the behaviors you don't like. But, you can also write down the qualities that you like and focus on family strengths. Do you share common values? Do you support each other when the chips are down? Do you have fun together? Do you give each other a hug when it's needed most?
You may be trying to bring together people who don't get along or who have simmering conflict. It may erupt. You can try to prepare a "crisis plan." If you know there's a pattern to a behavior, come up with something to cut it off at the pass. For example, I know that my mother will make comments about my cooking. My husband's job is to keep her out of the kitchen while my brother and I do last-minute preparations and serve. My husband knows that under NO circumstances is he to let my mother into the kitchen. This keeps the peace – between me and my mother, and me and my husband.
There will be holiday realities like crying babies, bored teenagers, annoying relatives, dirty dishes, a messy house, and moments of exhaustion. But there are some things you can achieve – simple gifts, pretty but not overwhelming decorations, traditional food, music, an emphasis on family activities, and some time to relax. All these things are within reach.
Holiday Hints
So, you're willing to try to look at the holidays as an opportunity rather than an obligation (I said "try"). You have an open mind to being creative. And you recognize that you can use traditions and rituals – ones that you create to work for you in your family, not ones created in television commercials – to make things easier and more meaningful.
Start by assessing your present holiday activities: Do you enjoy them? Are they meaningful? Are they your choice? Is there enough money to do them? Do you have enough time to do them? Are you doing them by yourself, without any family support?
Also ask yourself: What are you celebrating? What do the holidays really mean to you? What are your values? Do you want to strengthen family bonds, give your spirits a lift, counteract the dull, cold days of winter, create a beautiful environment, have a good time at parties, help those who are less fortunate, take some time to relax, be more generous, do something to make a difference in the world, get in touch with distant friends and family, confirm your spiritual beliefs, and/or make your mark in the social order?
Then maybe you need to do one more reality check: Are you expecting too much?
Once you've done some holiday self-examination, evaluate the holidays in terms of the things most important to young children and grandchildren: a relaxed, loving time with their family, which includes a sense of connection to all generations; realistic expectations about gifts; a reasonable pace of activities that lead up to the holiday and mark it (rather than a flurry of rushing about that goes on for weeks and becomes one big blur); and enjoyable, predictable family traditions. This last point is particularly important. Traditions give children something to look forward to year after year. They give children stability, even if there have been changes in their world. Traditions enrich each holiday with the memory of holidays that have come before. Each year the same decorations and recipes come out and prompt memories and reminiscences. Traditions also give children comfort. They have a sense of order and security of knowing exactly how events will unfold.
As you decide on your family's traditions and rituals, ask yourself some questions: What are the parts of the holiday that are most meaningful? How do we mark them? What is the message I hope my children or grandchildren will take in?
To come up with meaningful traditions and rituals, think back to your childhood Christmases. Which traditions or activities were most meaningful or enjoyable for you? You can look to your parent's and grandparent's childhood holidays as well. Sit down and have them share their holiday memories. The joy of reaching into the past and resurrecting a forgotten tradition can bring a spark of life to every generation in your family. Also look to your ethnic heritage for folk traditions. Go to the library or onto the Internet to do some research.
The traditions and rituals you choose don't have to be elaborate. Just putting a certain decoration in a certain place, or pulling out the holiday music on a certain date, is a tradition. Ask children what they remember from last holiday and you will begin to get some insight into which traditions they perceive to be important. Come up with simple activities that involve everyone and that are done year after year – pulling out a specific board game, playing cards, singing, playing musical instruments, reading aloud to each other, telling family stories, cooking together, going for walks. And make sure you include things that mark time, like looking at photos from last year as a measure of time, of growing up.
As you organize your holiday, make a list you can use year after year. The list should include all the possible key tasks (choose and prioritize them so that they work for you): making a gift list; shopping; making gifts; wrapping gifts; mailing gifts; helping children choose gifts for teachers; buying stocking stuffers; making cards; writing cards; getting children ready for school celebrations and concerts; helping out at your church, at work, and at your child's or grandchild's school; baking; sewing; cleaning; getting the tree; decorating the tree; decorating the house; hosting parties; preparing meals; planning family gatherings; grocery shopping; travel arrangements; packing; preparing for houseguests. Based on your list, discuss expectations and assign everyone roles.
To make holidays more manageable and less stressful, grandparents can often help out parents – if they're asked and the request is put into context. Children will also enjoy being involved in holiday preparations. Everyone helping is part of what makes you feel like a family. Holiday preparations and celebrations give children a chance to see their parents and grandparents as people, revealing them in a new and different light. They see you working, but also being playful. They're surprised when you take a break in the action to do something unexpected, like dancing to some old songs.
I want to offer some holiday suggestions I've collected that you can use for inspiration in your family. I'm going to focus on Christmas. But first a preface: Many Jewish families feel Christmas pressure at Hanukkah. Hanukkah really is a minor Jewish holiday, but it's been increasingly set up as the Jewish equivalent to Christmas. Reclaim the holiday in your own way, for your own family. It was traditional even in ancient times that children were given "gelt," or money, during the holiday. But in recent years, gift giving has become more elaborate, partly because many Jewish families feel they have to compete with Christmas. Gifts every night for eight nights can be a burden. Try to downplay the gifts, perhaps doing a gift every other night. You can also designate each night as something distinct – big gift night, food gift night, reading night, giving-of-self night. And do creative things, like giving each child their own menorah to light so that there are no fights over who lights the first candle. You can add more of a family tradition dimension by starting a menorah collection and adding a new one each year, with the whole family helping to pick it out.
Now back to Christmas. Here are some holiday tradition and ritual hints (pick and choose among them):
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