Intergenerational Mentoring

"In the years since I began following the ways of my grandmothers I have come to value the teachings, stories, and daily examples of living which they shared with me. I pity the younger girls of the future who will miss out on meeting some of these fine women."

Beverly Hungry Wolf, The Ways of My Grandmothers

In many ways, mentoring has its roots inside the family in grandparenting. Grandparents, having reached a certain stage in their life, often have a strong need to create a lasting legacy. This can take shape in serving as mentors, role models, teachers, and family historians to their grandchildren. But intergenerational mentoring need not be traditional or biological. Many children don't have actively involved, biological grandparents in their lives. These children still need an opportunity to connect with older adults or "grandfriends."

Many of the benefits for children and grandparents discussed in previous sections of this kit (e.g. in the Why Grandparents Are VIPs section) apply in intergenerational mentoring relationships. These relationships promote interaction, exchange, and understanding between generations; dispel stereotypes of aging; encourage an appreciation of heritages and traditions; and celebrate the strengths and value of young and old. When I spoke to one girl about her "volunteer" grandmother, she said, "She's my real grandmother because she cares about me. Spending time with her is one of my favorite things to do." Now there's a description of a VIP if I ever heard one!

Intergenerational mentoring can take the form of an older person informally becoming a "grandfriend" to a young person. Or it may occur as part of a more formal, structured intergenerational program. Intergenerational programs range from older adults volunteering in schools to children visiting nursing homes. There are intergenerational choruses, oral history projects, and visual arts programs. There are government initiatives, as well as programs that take place in churches, community centers, and even private homes.

There is a valid distinction to be made between older adults simply volunteering in various capacities, engaging in a long-term mentoring relationship, and participating in an intergenerational program. But I would argue that most intergenerational contact is, at one level or another, a form of mentoring. Said one student who was being tutored in school by an older adult volunteer, "I figured that she was just going to be a tutor, but she turned out to be more like a friend. Being with her was like getting practice being an adult."

More detailed information and ideas on intergenerational mentoring and programs will be available in upcoming activity kits that are part of the Something to Remember Me By Legacy Project. This section provides a quick introduction to the concept of intergenerational mentoring and general ideas on creating programs, particularly in schools.

Why Intergenerational Mentoring is Important

Intergenerational contact isn't just "nice." It is essential. Intergenerational contact enables young and old to learn from, enjoy, and assist each other. It can help to overcome the social isolation of both generations, and lay the foundation to address some very real problems facing individuals, families, and communities.

In our rapidly changing society, the support of older adults is particularly critical in the education system. Teachers have more and more to do, and less time and support to do it. Many schools need volunteers. They are desperate to provide students with a sufficient number of adults who can offer individual guidance. Mothers were traditionally a major source of volunteers, but they have increasingly taken jobs outside the home and have less time for school volunteering. Schools need older adults to fill this void.

An ever-increasing number of children are growing up with little hope of enjoying the benefits that come with adulthood. They aren't learning the social skills they need, gaining the knowledge they should from the education system, or learning how to make the transition into the labor force. They don't know how to be responsible parents themselves because they've had limited experience in family life and lack the resources to raise their own children. Too many young people have few opportunities to engage in a close relationship with a caring adult. Classrooms are full of students struggling to cope with the effects of living in poverty, with language barriers and special needs, with the temptation to abuse drugs or alcohol, and in danger of violence at home and in the streets. Young people need someone with whom they can feel emotionally safe, and an older person is often just that person.

A mentor can be the difference that makes a difference to a child. Said one teacher involved in an intergenerational mentoring program, "I don't have scientific proof that older persons make a difference in the students' academic performance. And yet... on the days that older adults come in, students don't miss class and they are more focused." Commented a parent whose child was involved in an intergenerational program, "Thanks to the seniors, my child is more respectful and listens more."

One research group looked at cumulative data from senior volunteer programs in schools over a seven year period. The teachers reported gains by students working with older adults: 93% of teachers said students experienced social growth; 87% reported gains in academic performance; 96% said students developed a more positive attitude toward older adults. Emmy Werner, a developmental psychologist, followed 500 Hawaiian children growing up in poverty on Kauai. Examining their lives over a 30-year period from birth to adulthood, Werner found that the youth who managed to make it, against all the odds, all could count on the support of a caring adult other than their parents. Anthropologists William Kornblum and Terry Williams followed 900 children in urban and rural poverty across the US, concluding that "the most significant factor" determining whether teenagers would end up on the corner or in a stable job was "the presence or absence of adult mentors."

Children need adults in their lives. And older adults need children, too. Recent findings from the MacArthur Foundation study on successful aging have indicated the two conditions most closely tied to prolonged physical and mental well-being in later life are productive engagement and strong social networks. When older adults volunteer in schools, they achieve both these goals. They develop friendships with students, staff, and other volunteers; they feel useful and socially validated; they feel challenged; they experience increased self-esteem and personal growth; they feel a sense of pride in making a contribution to schools and education; and they feel as though their years of living are worth something.

Forty years ago, Robert Kennedy called for a national corps capable of capturing the "years of productivity and service" he believed millions of older adults had to offer. The Experience Corps (see the listing at the end of this kit) is a new national program aimed at making use of the experience of older adults. It provides schools and youth-serving organizations with caring older adults who can work directly with children, tutoring and mentoring. The results have been impressive. Teachers and other school officials at the project sites have reported that the personal attention provided by the volunteers has contributed to mastery of basic literacy and numerical concepts, improved reading and math skills, enhanced comprehension, improved study skills, and increased language development for children. They also noticed improved self-confidence among the children, improved behavior, increased attendance, improved basic social skills, and expanded skills and interests.

More schools must take the lead in bringing young and old together for everyone's benefit, including their own. But first they need to invite older adults in. The older you get, the more distanced you become from schools. One study reported that 40% of the adult population has no daily or even weekly contact with school-age children. Getting older adults to see education as a civic responsibility, rather than a parental responsibility, is the key. Many believe their responsibility for the education of future generations ended when their own children graduated. But once they go into the schools (through an event like a Grandparents or Intergenerational Day, for example) and understand the challenges schools face, they "get it." Then, older adults see the many meaningful opportunities that exist through which they can make a difference.

Surrogate grandparent programs give older adult volunteers a sense of belonging, while children who seldom see their grandparents receive the nurturing they crave. Some schools match older mentors with economically disadvantaged young people. Others create teams of old and young who work on community rejuvenation projects like planting a garden. As all this happens, we are building community. When older adults feel they have a stake in the community and the future of its young people, they are willing to put their time, talents, and resources into education, urban renewal, and social justice.

If a lack of community is one of the major diseases of modern society, then in intergenerational mentoring lies the potential to heal the social body.

What is a Mentor?

If you look up "mentor" in the dictionary, you'll find it means a "trusted guide," a "provider of wise counsel," a "confidant."

In Greek mythology, the original Mentor was the teacher and faithful counselor, and old and trusted friend, to whom Odysseus entrusted his son Telemakhos when the king of Ithaca had to go off to fight the Trojan war. Images of mentors come in many shapes and sizes, from the grandmotherly fairy godmother to the elfin Yoda to the classic bearded Merlin. Myths, fairy tales, fantasy, and children's stories are filled with mentor figures: the spider woman in Native American lore; Gandalf in Tolkien; Charlotte in Charlotte's Web; Utnapishtim in the Gilgamesh epic; Shazam in Captain Marvel comics; the little old lady in Babar; Tiresias in Greek legend; the Skin Horse in The Velveteen Rabbit. And they have become increasingly popular in the media. Who hasn't heard of Tuesdays with Morrie, that bittersweet journal of a young man and his dying mentor?

A mentor may be either gender. They represent knowledge, reflection, insight, and wisdom. They offer understanding, compassion, strategy, and good advice. They engender trust, issue a challenge, provide encouragement, and offer the mentee a positive vision of themselves.

Mentors are role models. What kids see is what they'll be. What kind of role models do we want them to have? Again, it comes back to a matter of choice. Children learn by observing the people around them. Who do we want to populate their life? Childhood can be hard and full of disappointments, pain, loss, and disillusionment. Youth have choices to make that have lifelong implications. Today's children often develop self-doubt and a doubt in the world. We can't fully protect them from this. It's a natural part of the human experience. But what we can do is help them build up their immunity to doubt. We need to help them find hope. We have to help them develop their own character. Pop culture can't do that. Immature peers can't do that. But a mentor can.

Mentoring is about teaching the young "life craft," the skillful means to handle the challenges of everyday living. Yes, mentoring involves talking and perhaps teaching a skill. But at its core, intergenerational mentoring is a process through which older adults pass on to younger people a legacy of life lessons and, hopefully, wisdom. A mentor doesn't impose a doctrine or values on their mentee. A good mentor tries to make a young person more of themselves and helps them develop the ability to make difficult life choices. Mentoring is not about giving answers; it's about helping young people ask the right questions in their search for meaning.

Today, we live in a "professional" world. We don't seek out "elders." We seek out "licensed professionals" for help. My big question: is it working? From the beginning of human history, there's been something to connecting with another, older human being to learn how the world is. It's a relationship that isn't "just professional." In an alienated society, isn't that what we're all looking for? An older mentor who has earned their wisdom has something of value, and the mentor relationship may just be the best way to enable it to be effectively passed on.

I often use a storybook by Laurence Anholt, Leonardo and the Flying Boy, to demonstrate the nature of the mentoring relationship. Aside from being a fun-filled, accessible introduction to one of science and art history's most fascinating figures, this wonderful book shows the mentor relationship between Leonardo da Vinci and one of his real-life apprentices Zoro. It's a way to introduce both children and adults to the concept of intergenerational mentoring.

Older Adults as Mentors

While any adult can be a mentor, I think older adults are particularly strong candidates for fulfilling the role of mentor. As I mentioned earlier, because of the stage of life they're at, many older adults feel a need to create a lasting legacy, and mentoring is a very fulfilling way of doing this. As well, with the demographic shifts in society, older adults become a very practical source of mentors.

When California educator Ethel Percy Andrus founded AARP forty years ago, she believed that the role of older adults was "to serve, not to be served." Her philosophy was to bring "lifetimes of experience and leadership to serve all generations." Says James Firman of The National Council on the Aging: "65 may be meaningful as a speed limit, but it means less and less as a retirement age." Older adults still have important "work" to do. Over the next few years, as the baby boomers head into their fifties and sixties, for the first time in history there will be more older adults than children and youth. These older people are more active, better educated, and healthier than elders of decades past. Because of their sheer numbers, boomers can have a tremendous impact on society -- if they choose to use some of their time mentoring younger generations. They can put time into their own grandchildren, as well as other young people. They have a "golden opportunity" to recreate our image of elders and redefine aging. Aging can become something active rather than passive, positive rather than negative, and focused on contributions to community and care for the future.

For those who don't have grandchildren, intergenerational mentoring is a great opportunity to make a connection with the young. For those who do have grandchildren, particularly ones who live far away, mentoring is a way to keep in touch with the interests, vocabulary, and development of the young. We all need a reason to get up in the morning. Mentoring is fascinating both for the value it brings to individual lives and for the benefits that accrue to society. Said one older adult mentor, "You want to leave good memories of yourself, and you hope to leave something behind that's worthwhile." And for many people who may be experiencing losses in their lives -- of spouses or friends -- mentoring is a chance to gain another family and new friends. And because these friends are younger, said one mentor, "they don't tend to die on you!"

Finding older adults can initially be a challenge. That's where running a Grandparents Day event can be useful (see the Grandparents Day: Celebrating Grandparents and Older Adults section and the Everything You Need to Plan Your Own Event section in this kit). You can use the event as a stepping-stone to getting long-term volunteers. Aside from recruiting through a Grandparents Day event, you can try relatives of faculty, school board members and their families, your state department on aging, your local chapter of AARP, local churches, a seniors center or retirement community, even doctors' offices.

What Older Volunteers Can Do in Schools

Schools are the obvious place to connect with children. They are the places where children spend the majority of their time outside the home and are the one institution through which most children pass in one form or another.

Older adults can fulfill many roles in schools: tutors, classroom aides, aides to special needs students, enrichment instructors, library assistants, story readers, special friends to children, after-school club advisors, playground/lunchroom assistants, field trip chaperones, office assistants, career/college counselors (especially useful to high school students), resource speakers, and special project leaders. Some schools even have a Grandparent Organization (GO) or a senior advisory council to help with school events and coordinate intergenerational programs.

At the level of one-on-one mentoring, senior volunteers can serve as surrogate grandparents for children who may not have regular contact with biological grandparents. Activities may include reading books, helping with schoolwork and study skills, surfing the web, exchanging e-mails, visiting a library or museum, going to the movies or a concert, attend a sporting event, going shopping, going hiking or running, going out to dinner or to dinner at the mentor's home, getting involved in community action together like cleaning up a park, teaching social skills or job skills like how to write a letter or do a resume.

The most-requested form of help from older volunteers is tutoring on a one-on-one basis, often in the area of reading skills. This provides the most direct and personal contact with students, and is the most rewarding contact for an older adult. Subjects like history, geography, and literature also become more meaningful by adding the diverse perspectives of older adults.

Older adults can get involved with children during class or after school. They may participate daily or weekly, and support individual students or small groups of students. Or the volunteers might participate less often during the school year -- as role models or to provide information about careers, hobbies, travel, oral history, or other special interests.

A Successful Intergenerational Initiative

A formal, structured intergenerational program requires thought, planning, and evaluation to be successful.

The most successful intergenerational programs match the needs and talents of older adults with the needs and interests of students, carefully delineate responsibilities, and offer training and ongoing support. Older adults should be given an opportunity to develop a personal relationship with children, and feel as though their knowledge, experience, and skills are valued. For children, the goals of a program should include receiving guidance and nurturing, as well as learning intangible life lessons. When programs work, families expand their social networks and support systems to become more resilient, and the whole community becomes stronger as diverse groups work together for the common good.

When you're starting an intergenerational initiative, keep it small and simple. Involve both young and old in the planning. In schools, primary responsibility for the development and management of a volunteer program often rests with the principal or a designated coordinator. Too often, however, well-meaning administrators impose volunteers on teachers, who feel the burden of yet another task assigned to them. Involving teachers early in the process and at appropriate stages helps relieve that burden.

In general, there are seven steps to implementing an intergenerational program: 1) needs assessment; 2) job description; 3) recruitment; 4) screening; 5) orientation and training; 6) recognition; 7) evaluation. There are also special issues that must be taken into consideration (e.g. making sure good transportation is available for older adults who may not drive or be able to afford or use public transportation, offering lunch, getting insurance coverage, etc.).

The needs assessment sets the tone for the entire program. Ask students (and, of course, teachers) about how they perceive their needs and the school's needs. What do they want? How could older adults help or be involved in the classroom? What do students perceive as their most important learning needs? Ask yourself how older adults and students can help each other. Then ask older people what their talents and interests are. They may want to make an inventory of the skills and knowledge that represent their own treasure trove of life experience. Note that older adults may initially be hesitant to get involved and that as you move from needs assessment into job description, it's important to be very clear about what older adults can expect and what will be expected of them. Finally, what do the older adults need to learn and understand about the students and, in turn, what do the students need to learn and understand about the older adults? Often programs can work to overcome ageist myths and stereotypes by both young and old.

An Effective Mentoring Relationship

Mentoring is work of the heart. It offers personal rewards, but it is also about building community, inspiring hope, sharing success, enriching life. You don't need special skills to be an effective mentor. Patience, empathy, and a generous spirit are the greatest gifts a mentor can offer a child.

Older men and women bring a special quality to mentoring. Young adult mentors tend to be more goal-oriented. Older people, with more living under their belt and many personal goals already achieved, tend to be more relationship-oriented. An emphasis on relationship is often the key to making mentoring work. Research shows that the best mentors are those who take their time, who listen to children and get to know them. Mentors in a hurry -- "efficient" mentors who have a set goal or are determined to change a young person -- usually fail. Mentoring is not a quick fix. There's no express route to making a difference and building real trust. In a seemingly "inefficient" approach to mentoring, older adults do things at their own pace. They aren't in a hurry. They don't expect kids to do things quickly or correctly at the first try. Mentoring is best performed patiently, and patience is one of the great virtues of age. Also, older people have a different relationship to time than young adults. They can be acutely aware of their life time running out and yet, paradoxically, this awareness makes them take things more slowly so that they can focus on what's meaningful and essential. If you've ever watched a child marvel over the seemingly smallest crack in the sidewalk, you come to realize that in many ways young and old are in the same "time zone." That's a big benefit in a mentoring relationship.

Mentoring involves a one-on-one relationship of mutual commitment, caring, and trust between a more experienced person and a younger person. One of the things young people are often desperate for is a stable, ongoing relationship. A mentor provides this relationship as they teach, challenge, and support a young person. They also serve as a role model and companion. But both mentor and mentee have to enter into the relationship willing to learn from each other. Mentors who become students of their own experience use reflection to inform what they do and how they do it. In reflecting on their experience, they learn something about themselves and as a result are more effective in the relationship. The relationship grows and matures, and mentor and mentee grow with it.

Getting started can be tough. Good intentions aren't enough. Usually young people don't know what to say or do when they meet with their mentor for the first time. As the relationship develops, there will be bumps -- young people will often test the relationship by missing appointments, cursing to get a reaction, or having an angry outburst. Again, taking the relationship one step at a time is key. The mentor can't be in a hurry to impress their knowledge on the mentee. Listening can be the best approach to starting and building the relationship. Young people often want to try out new ideas, and attentive listening helps the mentee clarify their own ideas. Listen to whatever a mentee wants to talk about. Other basics to effective mentoring:

• View it, above all, as building a relationship, not changing someone.
  
  
• A mentor must work at developing trust, the foundation to any good relationship.
  
  
• The mentor should see themselves as a role model, and talk about what's right and wrong. Draw from stories from your own personal experiences (but remember that you don't have to be perfect to be a good mentor).
  
  
• The mentor can talk about values, but it's even more important to make sure you walk your talk.
  
  
• The mentor needs outside support when the relationship hits a bump (which it will) to be reminded that they have something of value to offer and what they're doing is worthwhile.
  
  
• Mentees need to know that their mentor cares about them as a person worthy of being cared about.
  
  
• One of the biggest things mentors can offer is helping mentees develop their own goals and encouraging their interests.

The mentoring relationship evolves as the mentor sees the mentee regularly and is a steady influence. It can also include communicating with a mentee's parents, and doing things like attending the mentee's school and community activities.

Mentors, like the rest of us, appreciate being appreciated. The best reinforcement comes from the mentee themselves. As part of the learning experience, young people should be encouraged to write thank you notes. A letter of thanks, a birthday card, or a get well card are personal tokens that can have a dramatic impact on an older adult mentor. There are also more formal ways to acknowledge the contributions of mentors: messages of appreciation on the school bulletin board; a school volunteer newsletter; recognition at a luncheon, tea, or special gathering where mentors receive a small gift; breakfast at the beginning of a school year with the superintendent or principal welcoming them and making them feel part of the team; a certificate of service at the end of the year; invitations throughout the school year to attend school assemblies; complimentary tickets to school plays or recitals (which also gives students an enthusiastic audience).

We live in an age of hero-worship. We are a star-struck society. A "hero" is someone whose achievement you admire and who inspires you to greatness. On the other hand, a "role model" is someone you admire as a person and whose behavior, attitudes, values, and beliefs you want to emulate. A mentor goes even one step further. They are someone who not only serves as a role model, but who takes the time to develop an active, personal interest in helping a young person grow up to be the best kind of person they can be. With heroes, celebrities, and sports stars, you catch a momentary glimpse of them -- in greatness or defeat -- but have no sense of the substance behind the glory. Heroes come and go. A mentor is in it for the long haul. Our young need more mentors.